An Angels Kiss

I got the most amazing news yesterday. I had my suspicions for a couple of weeks but didn't really think it could happen so quick.

After loosing Michael my precious baby , the decision to try and conceive was not one that We made easily. In the past twelve months most of our energy has been put into surviving . Just getting through , day by day and taking the time to nurse not a baby but the deep wounds that would leave a permanent scar on my heart. When I found out I was pregnant with Michael, I instantly began to dream. To dream of a future with my baby. But when that was all taken away from us with one horrendous diagnosis, I never knew how I would live ..really live again.

But after Michael's 1st birthday the thoughts of another baby entertained my mind constantly. That is all I thought about and when I thought about it I smiled. The decision as to whether to have another child was too one of the hardest decision I would have to make . I made pros's and cons' list for months and for months the cons outweighed the pros but mainly due to fear. I realised that fear was not the way that I wanted to live my life and really started to look at this decision , well a little more simply. Sometimes no matter what you have been through things do not need to be complicated. So we made our decision and it was simple. The thought of another baby made me smile. It made me feel good and hopeful. It made me glow. It eased the pain in my aching heart and I began to look forward to the future. So with that we decided to "try".

This decision was made mid February and I am so happy to announce that I am four weeks pregnant today. I decided to take a pregnancy test yesterday and was so anxious that when I decided to do it I could not wee on the the silly stick . So giving it a break for half n hour I tried again and within a couple of minutes and to my complete surprise the two lines revealed themselves. I was soooo happy yet quite scattered and in shock. I immediately called my husband who had an inner knowing that I was and replied "see I told you" . For the first time in a long time I truly smiled. I was so excited that I began to pace up and down my house trying to digest the news and decide who I wanted to call. I just wanted to tell the world but though considering what happened with Michael perhaps I should keep it low keep for a while. So I told my family and some very close friends and also decided to tell my children.

Giovanni and Nicholas were taken a aback . They were instantly very excited but then linked the situation to Michael. I could see there little minds ticking over. and Finally Giovanni asked "Mummy will you have to go to hospital" . I replied "yes" and with that a fountain of tears. "But mommy what if you get sick again and the baby dies again". I realised at that point that this is so much bigger then me an I could handle anything but how would I protect my babies if this had to happen again. But as quick as these fears entered my head I ensured they left. I do not want to entertain those thoughts. This precious baby will be fine. I will bring this baby home to my family and there is NO other option. I will not accept anything less.

I feel very positive about this pregnancy and I know well enough that my fear and anxiety's will have a very real place in the pregnancy but I will get through this. I have support. I have a wonderful husband, fantastic parents , wonderful sister and amazing friends. I have all the friends I have made on this journey of loss and grief . They too are here for me. I am so fortunate and blessed and as I head into yet another journey which will require all the strength withing my being I go into this with eyes wide open. Open to the fact that I am not immune from complications with pregnancy yet open to the fact that I will have a healthy baby to bring home to my family.

I can do this .