Almost 7 weeks

Well Im officially 7 weeks and too sick to sit on my computer for too long ..Not sure why my favourite pastime makes me sooooo ill . I will do my best to summerise my crazy life in a small post.



Its been a crazy few weeks. My poor mum was diagnosed with a tumor . She is to have it out and a fortnite and all the doctors involved seemed to be positive that she will be fine but I am completely uneasy until I know this is all over.The have found some abnormal cells and their biggest concern is that it may have spread but they have classified it as a low grade tumor so hopeful that it hasn't . My mum is so important to me and after loosing Michael I can honestly say we are the closest we have ever been. So you can see why I am frightened. I really did beleive that this year was to be a positive year but at the moment am finding it very hard. And feeling a little down.



On a better note I got to see my precious new baby on Monday were my obstrection confirmed that my pregnanacy was fine and babies heart was beating.



To be honest I felt a glimmer of excitment but I was so afraid to feel anymore. I am hoping that after my major scans that these feeling will disapear but until then I am quite anxious to say the least.Its going to be an anxious time the next couple of months. I truely wish that I could fast forward to my 20 weeks scan ,....know everthing was fine and start preparing for my precious baby. I think the hormones are playing havic and I am feeling a little down



I too became a proud aunty yesterday . My sister had a baby boy who she called Anthony. He was a big boy at 3.8 kilos but gorgeous to say the least.

looking for distractions but Morning sickness is starting to kick in

I think I have been getting through this pregnancy cause I havent fully accepted it. Its proberly my coping mechanism which has kicked in. My Flight and fight mode which kicks in for my benefit to protect me from further heart ache .So yes I am creating so many distractions and as a kinesiologist I am fully aware of what I am doing .

Fortunatly the morning sickness is starting to kick in . "Most of you out there are proberly saying are you all there women what do you mean fortunatly!" . Isayfortunatly cause this is a symtom of being pregnant. It is here to remind me that I have a precious baby inside of me on 5 and half weeks but none the less a baby . And for this I am grateful . I think most mums that have lost a baby would get that as crazy as it sounds.

So I guess I wont be distracting my self for much longer cause the morning sickness (which is happening at all times of the day) will remind me !

I Finally called my obstrecion the other today to make an appointment to see him, and the reality of what is actually is happening really kicked in. I started to feel quite apprehensive yet very excited. I got quite a nice reception when I told the mid wife on the phone who I was. She seemed genuinly concerned and excited to hear the I was pregnant again .She acknowledged that I must be quite anxious to see the docter as soon as possible and with that she managed to squeeze me in on the 6th of April. Wow . This is really happening! I am pregnant! and as I am typing this, I just got goosebumps . I am so excited , so happy and so scard at the same time .This baby is coming home . My baby!

I am so fortunate to share this Journey with another Mama who lost her precious baby last year also . She announced to me that she was pregnant a week before I found out that I was . It is so excitng sharing this journey with someone who understands. Someone who totally gets its and understands when I say I am excited yet scard. This has been so perfect , us falling pregnant together and I couldnt think of anyone I 'd rather share this journey with . I am only five weeks but it as been great exchanging feelings and experiences and I just know that when I am having one of those day cause I will and thats ok . Vanessa will get it.

I am soooo grateful for this friendship and truly beleive our paths have crossed to support each other. So Vanessa keep the calls coming and I look foward to the day I can hold your baby and you can hold mine. Thank you. Thank you for daring me to be excited with this pregnancy cause the truth is I am scard like hell but together I know we will get through this xx

Can you keep a secret

The best thing about our news is telling Giovanni and Nicholas. But we told them under strict instructions that "they would have to keep it a secret. "Yes Yes mum we wont tell anyone , we promise" Well as much as a 6 and 4 year old can promise

So the first person we saw at school that we knew Giovanni says "Mummy's got a baby in her tummy" I nearly died and said to him "Giovanni Mummy told you its our little secret"

And Nicholas walks into the preschool shouting "I KNOW A SECRET AND I'M NOT TELLING" Just happened one of the mothers that knows me overheard him and call it intuition or whatever she asks Nikki1 "Is Mummy having a baby"...Poor Nicholas was so distraught cause he felt like he betrayed my trust and started crying "OH NO Mummy said it was a secret" I felt so sorry for me...So with his tears he confirmed to the preschool teachers and that particular mum that I was in fact pregnant.

Oh well the news is out . I m a bit nervous with a few people slowly finding out but at the same time just enjoying getting caught up in the excitement of it .Its such a wonderful feeling. I know I probably will come off this high very soon but at the moment its great whilst it last

Rita

An Angels Kiss

I got the most amazing news yesterday. I had my suspicions for a couple of weeks but didn't really think it could happen so quick.

After loosing Michael my precious baby , the decision to try and conceive was not one that We made easily. In the past twelve months most of our energy has been put into surviving . Just getting through , day by day and taking the time to nurse not a baby but the deep wounds that would leave a permanent scar on my heart. When I found out I was pregnant with Michael, I instantly began to dream. To dream of a future with my baby. But when that was all taken away from us with one horrendous diagnosis, I never knew how I would live ..really live again.

But after Michael's 1st birthday the thoughts of another baby entertained my mind constantly. That is all I thought about and when I thought about it I smiled. The decision as to whether to have another child was too one of the hardest decision I would have to make . I made pros's and cons' list for months and for months the cons outweighed the pros but mainly due to fear. I realised that fear was not the way that I wanted to live my life and really started to look at this decision , well a little more simply. Sometimes no matter what you have been through things do not need to be complicated. So we made our decision and it was simple. The thought of another baby made me smile. It made me feel good and hopeful. It made me glow. It eased the pain in my aching heart and I began to look forward to the future. So with that we decided to "try".

This decision was made mid February and I am so happy to announce that I am four weeks pregnant today. I decided to take a pregnancy test yesterday and was so anxious that when I decided to do it I could not wee on the the silly stick . So giving it a break for half n hour I tried again and within a couple of minutes and to my complete surprise the two lines revealed themselves. I was soooo happy yet quite scattered and in shock. I immediately called my husband who had an inner knowing that I was and replied "see I told you" . For the first time in a long time I truly smiled. I was so excited that I began to pace up and down my house trying to digest the news and decide who I wanted to call. I just wanted to tell the world but though considering what happened with Michael perhaps I should keep it low keep for a while. So I told my family and some very close friends and also decided to tell my children.

Giovanni and Nicholas were taken a aback . They were instantly very excited but then linked the situation to Michael. I could see there little minds ticking over. and Finally Giovanni asked "Mummy will you have to go to hospital" . I replied "yes" and with that a fountain of tears. "But mommy what if you get sick again and the baby dies again". I realised at that point that this is so much bigger then me an I could handle anything but how would I protect my babies if this had to happen again. But as quick as these fears entered my head I ensured they left. I do not want to entertain those thoughts. This precious baby will be fine. I will bring this baby home to my family and there is NO other option. I will not accept anything less.

I feel very positive about this pregnancy and I know well enough that my fear and anxiety's will have a very real place in the pregnancy but I will get through this. I have support. I have a wonderful husband, fantastic parents , wonderful sister and amazing friends. I have all the friends I have made on this journey of loss and grief . They too are here for me. I am so fortunate and blessed and as I head into yet another journey which will require all the strength withing my being I go into this with eyes wide open. Open to the fact that I am not immune from complications with pregnancy yet open to the fact that I will have a healthy baby to bring home to my family.

I can do this .